Nina, Tiffany, Julie, Melissa, and Anna (new member) were in attendance. We sat and chatted and caught up with everyone. It is just so nice to sit and visit with old friends. It was a great way to relax. I also recommended the book: I was a really good mom before I had kids. Well worth the time to read, and helps reaffirm YOU as a mom, not what the world classifies mom's as. Check it out!

Advice:

Surviving the Holiday Season

Surviving Your Family This Holiday Season
by Esther Kane

In this article, I want to share some things I've learned doing family therapy over the years and give you some strategies for dealing with the crazies that are inevitably brought on by too much family togetherness during the holiday season. Dealing with family is, at the best of times, challenging. Add to that great expectations (or fantasies) of one or more of the following:

* curling up with your loved ones in front of a roaring fire while sipping hot chocolate or mulled cider

* buying the perfect& gift for a family member and delighting in the joy it brings them

*family gathering together from far and wide and putting all of their differences aside to enjoy a special holiday together wherein everybody gets along, there are no fights, and everybody is floating along the blissful sea of family unity

*preparing the perfect family dinner that everyone enthusiastically feasts on, appreciates deeply, and thanks you for endlessly from the bottom of their hearts (oh, and they also clean up while you sit with your feet up on the sofa)

*spending some quality time with a special relative you haven't seen in a while; just the two of you And I'm sure I haven't covered them all! Feel free to add your own fantasy of the perfect holiday here

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that the typical family holiday doesn't usually look like any of the above! And why is this?

Why do we individually and collectively delude ourselves into believing that there is such a thing as the 'perfect holiday anyway? Why do we hold up such great hopes for the season, and then often end up landing flat on our faces in the mud full of sadness, anger, and great disappointment?

Im sure many of you are screaming out, The media and you'd be right. The illusion of perfectly happy, well-adjusted families gathering together in joy SELLS. It sells a lot! Down from men's colognes, all the way up to new cars!

Guess when my busiest season is as a therapist? RIGHT AFTER THE WINTER HOLIDAYS! I don't dare take a vacation at the beginning of January as my phone is ringing off the hook and people are desperate to come in and make sense of why they feel so many unpleasant feelings following being with their families-of-origin over the holiday season.

One thing I hear over and over again at this time of year is,Why didn't I see it coming? How did I end up in the same place AGAIN with my family after I've worked so hard on those relationships as an adult? How could I have been so stupid?'

While I feel that beating oneself up is pointless and unnecessarily damaging, I do feel that it makes sense to do all that we can in terms of healthy self-care when planning to spend time with family; especially during important holidays when everyone's expectations are high and nerves are frayed.

Here are a few suggestions and ideas for taking care of yourself over the holidays that have worked for many of my clients:


*Limit the length of time you stay with family or have family stay with you to something that doesn't make you want to hide out under the covers for days on end when you think about it (trust your gut- you'll know what is the right length of time).

*If you're surrounded by other people for a number of days and things begin to feel really intense, make sure you take some time away EVERY DAY- even plan your alone time for each day of the visit before the actual event and schedule around it. Take an hour to emotionally decompress and go for a walk, window-shop, take the dog out, have a bubble bath, or whatever else centers you.

*Lower expectations of yourself and others- try to stay in reality and stop fantasizing about having a perfect holiday. Be realistic and plan for the worst-case scenarios that are possible so that you're prepared for them. And if they don't happen, enjoy that!

*Remember that no matter how old we are now, when we're with our family (especially parents), we revert to feeling like we're about 10 years old and that;s just the way it is. Don't fight it, but also frequently remind yourself that you are not a child; you are a grown woman and have choices.

*If you sense that getting together with family over the holidays would be very detrimental to your well-being (there are many families in this category), let go of guilt and opt out and spend the holidays with friends who make you feel really good and bring out the best in you. Some families really are toxic and you may need to set very intense boundaries in order to deal with them.

And lastly, remember that HOLIDAYS ARE TEMPORARY AND WILL BE OVER SOON, or in other words, This too shall pass they aren't meant to be an endurance test; they're meant to be fun. It's also really important to keep a positive attitude and remember to be playful and to not take stuff too seriously.

Peace to your and yours this holiday season...

Esther Kane, MSW, RCC is in full-time private practice as a Psychotherapist and author in Courtenay, BC, Canada. Esther has over a decade of experience counseling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. You can check out her detailed website at: www.estherkane.com

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Ten Essential Health Tips

10 Essential Health Tips
(The Basics to Practice Every Day)

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"He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything." -Arabian Proverb

1. Move More
Make it a daily challenge to find ways to move your body. Climb stairs if given a choice between that and escalators or elevators. Walk your dog; chase your kids; toss balls with friends, mow the lawn. Anything that moves your limbs is not only a fitness tool, it's a stress buster. Think 'move' in small increments of time. It doesn't have to be an hour in the gym or a 45-minute aerobic dance class or tai chi or kickboxing. But that's great when you're up to it. Meanwhile, move more. Thought for the day: Cha, Cha, Cha…. Then do it!

2. Cut Fat
Avoid the obvious such as fried foods, burgers and other fatty meats (i.e. pork, bacon, ham, salami, ribs and sausage). Dairy products such as cheese, cottage cheese, milk and cream should be eaten in low fat versions. Nuts and sandwich meats, mayonnaise, margarine, butter and sauces should be eaten in limited amounts. Most are available in lower fat versions such as substitute butter, fat free cheeses and mayonnaise. Thought for the day: Lean, mean, fat-burning machine…. Then be one!

3. Quit Smoking
The jury is definitely in on this verdict. Ever since 1960 when the Surgeon General announced that smoking was harmful to your health, Americans have been reducing their use of tobacco products that kill. Just recently, we've seen a surge in smoking in adolescents and teens. Could it be the Hollywood influence? It seems the stars in every movie of late smoke cigarettes. Beware. Warn your children of the false romance or 'tough guy' stance of Hollywood smokers. Thought for the day: Give up just one cigarette…. the next one.

4. Reduce Stress
Easier said than done, stress busters come in many forms. Some techniques recommended by experts are to think positive thoughts. Spend 30 minutes a day doing something you like. (i.e.,Soak in a hot tub; walk on the beach or in a park; read a good book; visit a friend; play with your dog; listen to soothing music; watch a funny movie. Get a massage, a facial or a haircut. Meditate. Count to ten before losing your temper or getting aggravated. Avoid difficult people when possible. Thought for the day: When seeing red, think pink clouds….then float on them.

5. Protect Yourself from Pollution
If you can't live in a smog-free environment, at least avoid smoke-filled rooms, high traffic areas, breathing in highway fumes and exercising near busy thoroughfares. Exercise outside when the smog rating is low. Exercise indoors in air conditioning when air quality is good. Plant lots of shrubbery in your yard. It's a good pollution and dirt from the street deterrent. Thought for the day: 'Smoke gets in your eyes'…and your mouth, and your nose and your lungs as do pollutants….hum the tune daily.

6. Wear Your Seat Belt
Statistics show that seat belts add to longevity and help alleviate potential injuries in car crashes. Thought for the day: Buckle down and buckle up.

7. Floss Your Teeth
Recent studies make a direct connection between longevity and teeth flossing. Nobody knows exactly why. Perhaps it's because people who floss tend to be more health conscious than people who don't? Thought for the day: Floss and be your body's boss.

8. Avoid Excessive Drinking
While recent studies show a glass of wine or one drink a day (two for men) can help protect against heart disease, more than that can cause other health problems such as liver and kidney disease and cancer. Thought for the day: A jug of wine should last a long time.

9. Keep a Positive Mental Outlook
There's a definitive connection between living well and healthfully and having a cheerful outlook on life. Thought for the day: You can't be unhappy when you're smiling or singing.

10. Choose Your Parents Well
The link between genetics and health is a powerful one. But just because one or both of your parents died young in ill health doesn't mean you cannot counteract the genetic pool handed you. Thought for the day: Follow these basic tips for healthy living and you can better control your own destiny.